Newcastle United to sell Ashley for £100 Million

Newcastle United want to make football history by selling their chairman for £100m, writes Crispin Fisher.

It is understood two newly promoted clubs have already expressed an interest in Ashley, who will be allowed to leave The Magpies in the summer if he can be squeezed through the doors at St James’s Park.

Former billionaire Ashley is not impressed by the idea of being sold off. He said: “Some fans are so ungrateful, I’ve given this club blood, sweat and tears – and that was just by holding on to Joey Barton.”

“I’m worth twice the £100m they want for me. If Ronaldo is worth £75m I’m almost three times the size of that skinny girl.”

Newcastle fans have been quick to talk up Ashley’s credentials in order to attract a buyer. Out of Toon Fanzine editor Dale Pratt said: “Mike has got everything you would want from a chairman – cash, enthusiasm and very little common sense. Who wouldn’t want him?”

Newly promoted Norwich City are rumoured to be keen on Ashley. Canaries fans are desperate to offload current chairman Delia Smith after her drunken rant in 2006.

Fellow Premier League new boys Swansea are also looking to replace Huw Jenkins with a chairman who can shut the fuck up for five minutes.

But West Brom are currently favourites to land Ashley. It is understood the sports retail giant would prefer a move to a team with dark and white striped shirts because of their figure-enhancing qualities.

Money from the sale will be reinvested in Newcastle’s ravaged infrastructure.

Toilet paper will be reinstated in the female toilets at St James’s Park. But there are no plans to refurbish the disused trophy cabinet.